Absolutely Normal Chaos Read online

  DENNIS: God!

  MOM: Don’t say “God!”

  DAD: The rest of the money is being put in a trust fund to provide for Carl Ray’s college education.

  DENNIS: What college?

  DOUGIE: What college?

  MAGGIE: I didn’t know you wanted to go to college, Carl Ray.

  (I have to admit I was thinking “What college?” myself.)

  MOM: Oh, be quiet all of you. Give Carl Ray a chance to think, will you?

  ME: Well, did you want to go to college, Carl Ray?

  (Carl Ray just shrugged.)

  DENNIS: What if he doesn’t want to go to college?

  DOUGIE: Yeah, can he use that money for something else? Like a television or something?

  DAD: No. It’s only for college. That’s a condition on the rest of the money. If Carl Ray doesn’t want to go to college, the money goes somewhere else, I guess.

  DENNIS: Where does it go?

  DOUGIE: Could I have it?

  DAD: I don’t know where it goes. No, you can’t have it. It’s all rather mysterious, if you ask me. All I know is what Mr. Biggers told us, and I don’t want ANY of you repeating this to anyone. It is NO ONE’s business but Carl Ray’s, and Mr. Biggers asked that we keep this within the family.

  Well, everyone was so excited. All of us kids spent the whole rest of the evening deciding what we would do if we got five thousand dollars and also we kept trying to guess who gave Carl Ray the money. We decided it was either some weird old lady who got Carl Ray mixed up with someone else, or maybe it was some long-lost uncle who had so much money he didn’t know what to do with it. Or maybe it was some strange old convict who Carl Ray met just once and maybe Carl Ray gave him some bread or something. You just never know about these things.

  Carl Ray doesn’t seem too excited, but he does seem worried. I can’t imagine why, unless he thinks maybe it’s a mistake and tomorrow Mr. Biggers will call and say the person changed his mind or got the wrong Carl Ray or something.

  Naked Odysseus

  Book Six of the Odyssey is all about some ladies doing their laundry and Odysseus coming naked out of the sea and since he’s been twenty days thrashing about in the water, he looks pretty awful, but he’s real polite and coherent and asks them to move away while he washes because he’s ashamed of being naked. Then, with a little help and anointing from Athene, he emerges looking terrific, like a god and all. As usual, even though he’s a total stranger, they all welcome him and give him clothes and everything.

  Saturday, July 7

  Everyone’s still asking Carl Ray a million questions about the money and wondering who gave it to him, and he’s still walking around looking shocked, although I did see him looking through the Sears catalogue. Maybe he’s trying to decide what to buy first.

  Mom got real mad at all of us today. She sent Dennis and Dougie to their room (she hardly ever does that) because they kept badgering Carl Ray, telling him they sure did wish they could have a new bicycle (that was Dougie) and a little television (Dennis) and all kinds of other stuff: toys, baseball bats, ice skates, roller skates, stilts, water skis (we don’t even have a boat) and on and on.

  Mom got mad at Maggie because she just happened to mention to Carl Ray that there was a beee-yooo-teee-ful coat at the May Company that she was absolutely in love with. She got mad at Tommy because he badgered her all day about Carl Ray going to jail. She got mad at me because I wrote “Mary Lou’s favorite wish” on a picture of a desk and taped it on the wall outside Carl Ray’s bedroom. Mom said, “You can be very insensitive, Mary Lou.”

  Me? Insensitive?

  Sunday, July 8

  I just don’t even know where to start. Maybe at the pool. I went to the pool today (after Carl Ray the Prince finally got out of bed so I could clean up that room—I still have to vacuum in there, which does not seem fair since Carl Ray’s only chore so far is to make up his stupid bed). Alex asked me if I wanted to go swimming today, remember? Sure enough, Alex was there.

  It was all cloudy and cool though, so after about an hour we decided (it was Alex’s idea) to go somewhere else. It sure seemed like something was bothering him, and I thought, Well, maybe he was sorry he asked me to meet him there, and maybe he was trying to think of a way to get rid of me. We went to this little park near the pool and sat on a picnic table. For a while we just read all the names carved into the table, and I was about to say that I had to go home (just in case he did want to get rid of me, I thought I’d better make it sound like I was ready to go anyway), when he said, “I got the strangest phone message the other day.”

  “What message?”

  “Some girl called and said to my mother, ‘Tell Alex I love him.’” Then he looked at me as if he was waiting for me to confess.

  Boy was I mad. I was mad because, first of all, it wasn’t ME who called, but Alex thought it was, and second of all, I was wondering who in the heck DID call. Grrrr. But before I could say anything, Alex looks up because this girl is walking toward us. She’s smiling and waving her arm like crazy, and when she gets pretty close, she says, “Hiiiiiii! Hiiiiiii there!”

  It was Christy, from school. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

  She started drooling all over Alex. “Hiiiii, Alex. Oh hi, Mary Lou. Whatever are you doing over here, Alex? I’m here with my cousin. Did you ever meet my cousin Carol? She’s up there,” and she pointed toward the pool and batted her eyelashes at Alex and wiggled her shoulders and SAT DOWN next to Alex on the picnic table.

  “Hi,” said Alex.

  I didn’t say one word.

  “So, what are you doing over here, Alex? Huh? Huh?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing? So why are you over here doing nothing? You live way over in Norton!!” She turned to me and said, “Have you ever seen Alex’s house? I have. I just love your mom, Alex. She’s so sweet. I can’t believe you’re way over here in Easton. Don’t you go swimming in Norton, huh Alex, huh?”

  On and on and on she went, babbling away like that, asking about a million questions and never giving Alex a chance to answer anything. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. I started counting the leaves on this tree next to the table, just to keep from punching her one. I got up to 367 before she finally said, “So hey, Alex, why don’t you come up and go swimming with me and my cousin? Oh, you too, Mary Lou. Come on, Alex, won’t you?” Wiggle wiggle. Smile smile.

  And then Alex said, “Can’t. Have to go home.”

  So she made this little pouty mouth and said, “Well, Carol’s waiting for me. I’ll let you off this time, Alex….” Wiggle wiggle. Smile smile. And, at last, she got up and wiggled away.

  We sat there for a few minutes. Then I said, “Do you really have to go home now?”

  And he said, “Nope.”

  Then I said, “I think I just figured out who left you that phone message.”

  He looked a little disappointed. “Huh?”

  “Well, it wasn’t me!” And I gave a meaningful look in Christy’s direction. She was still wiggling off in the distance.

  “Ahhh,” he said.

  And then you would not believe what he did next.

  He put his hand on top of mine. At first I didn’t know if it was an accident or on purpose and I was wondering if I should move my hand. But he pressed his down a little bit, so I figured it was on purpose. Then I started wondering if I should turn my hand over—then he could hold it—but what if he didn’t want to hold it? How am I supposed to know what he’s thinking? I decided to leave my hand the way it was. If he wanted to turn it over, he could do that himself.

  When I think about it right now, I could just swoon away.

  And then do you know what he said? He said, “I like you, Mary Lou Finney.”

  And I just sat there like some idiot. I just sat there staring at him. He looked so different all of a sudden. He looked like Odysseus probably did when he cleaned himself up and anointed himself after being in the ocean for three wee
ks. All the girls standing around Odysseus about fell over from his beauty. They thought he was some kind of a god. And that’s what Alex looked like to me. His skin was so pink and healthy-looking and his hair was all clean and shiny and he smelled just like soap.

  Well, that sounds ridiculous, I know. Almost as bad as Beth Ann mooning over Derek-the-Di-viiiiine.

  Anyway, then Alex got up and he said, “I’ll walk you home,” and he TOOK MY HAND (which turned over automatically, I think) and we walked home, and I still couldn’t talk at all, and just before we got to the corner of my street I pretended I had to scratch my ankle so I could let go of his hand because even though I really liked holding his hand, I would have died if anyone in my family saw that. And at the corner of my street, he said, “Well, I guess I’ll go on home,” and I said, “’Bye,” and he said, “’Bye,” and then he started walking away and all of a sudden I said, “Oh, wait!” and he turned around and smiled and walked back, and he said, “I’ll call you.”

  And I truly thought I was sitting on Mount Olympus.

  And I know this is boring you to death, whoever you are, and I know I will never ever be able to turn this in to any English teacher after saying all this mush.

  But…

  I can hardly stand it….

  Monday, July 9

  I don’t even want to write about Carl Ray and stuff.

  Mary Lou Cheevey. Mrs. Alex Cheevey. Mary Lou and Alex. Mary Lou Finney and Alex Cheevey.

  I can hardly breathe.

  I didn’t even go out of the house today in case Alex called—which he didn’t and I think I will probably die if he doesn’t.

  Oh, God! What am I saying? I hate it when girls moon over boys. I refuse to moon over Alex Cheevey.

  But Lord! All day long I kept coming up to my room and lying on my bed so I could remember exactly what happened yesterday and exactly what it felt like holding his hand, and really, if someone else said this to me I would throw up.

  I can’t write any more. I just want to think about it. I’ll write about Carl Ray and stuff tomorrow.

  Tuesday, July 10

  I still can’t write. I am hopeless. Alex called today and he came over. I am on Mount Olympus. I’ll write about everything tomorrow. I promise.

  Wednesday, July 11

  Alex had to work all day and couldn’t come over, but he did call and I still am worthless and so I’ll write tomorrow but I am soooooo happeeeeee I can hardly stand it. I just want to think about it.

  Thursday, July 12

  Well, I still am worthless, but I feel terrible for not keeping track of everything and I will catch up right now.

  I think all of a sudden I realize why Beth Ann wouldn’t tell me about Derek and why she’s soooo strange these days. Because I’m acting just as weird as she is, I swear. I’m turning into a real lunatic. All over a boy. I cannot believe it. I am going to try not to act like this. But I see why Beth Ann didn’t want to talk about Derek. You want to keep it floating around in your mind and keep it secret, because there is no way you can explain it to anyone without sounding like a complete idiot.

  But I am really going to try. I am going to be reasonable about this. And so first I will talk about everything else. (But God! I LOVE ALEX CHEEVEY!!!!!!)

  It’s funny, but when you don’t write things down every day, you forget when things happened.

  First, Carl Ray. He bought a car! I didn’t even know he knew how to drive. He doesn’t have it yet (the car)—it’s supposed to be ready tomorrow. He won’t even tell us what kind it is or anything. Maybe he wants it to be a big surprise. Or maybe he forgot what kind of car he bought.

  Just about everybody is still hinting like mad for Carl Ray to buy them things, only they don’t hint when Mom is around because she gets so mad. I even heard Dad hinting. He was saying how the lawn mower is a piece of junk and he wishes he had a new one and he even looked through the Sears catalogue (coincidentally when Carl Ray was sitting there watching TV) and kept saying things like, “Oh, here’s a nice one. Too much money, though. Oh well.”

  Mom keeps asking Carl Ray if he has written to his parents yet, to tell them about the money, and Carl Ray keeps saying, “Nope.” That does seem a little strange—that he hasn’t told his own parents—don’t you think? Tonight, Mom said, “Carl Ray, if you don’t write them pretty soon, I will,” and Carl Ray looked so mournful and sad that she turned to my dad, and he said, “Don’t look at me.”

  One other thing about Carl Ray, while I am on the subject. He’s been watering the Furtzes’ lawn without anybody asking him to or without getting any “gold” for it. What do you think of that?

  Now I will talk about the truly wonderful and di-viiiiine Alex Cheevey.

  He came over TO MY HOUSE on Tuesday. I was upstairs when I heard Dennis shouting, “MARY LOUUU, MARY LOUUU, THERE’S A BOY AT THE DOOR. MARY LOUUU, MARY LOUUU, THERE’S A BOY HERE FOR YOUUU.” Honestly. It was embarrassing. He made it sound like it was the strangest thing in the world for a boy to be here for me.

  And when I came downstairs, there was Dougie standing with his nose pressed against the screen staring at Alex and there was Tommy right next to him, without any pants on at all.

  Alex waited on the porch while I begged and pleaded with Maggie to watch Tommy and the others while Alex and I went out for a few hours. She asked me about a thousand questions (“Well, who IS this boy?”—“Oh, is this the Alex I met?”—“Don’t you want me to say hello?”—“Where are you going?”—and on and on in this singsong voice) but finally she agreed, if I would give her this red scarf I have. I gave it to her.

  When I escaped from the madhouse, Alex and I walked to the end of our street and then I decided to show him the big tree over in the field, the one where Dennis, Dougie, and I used to go all the time, the one that looks like a fort underneath. So we walked over there and went in under the branches and sat down and talked.

  I can’t even remember half of what we talked about. Part of the problem is I’m not sure I was always paying attention, because when I am with Alex my brain is like mush and mostly I am just looking at him and feeling as if my muscles are melting and my blood is filled with millions of little bubbles all fizzing around.

  So we held hands right there under the tree. It was very romantic. And in the middle of that, do you know what he told me?

  He said that he made up the Murphys—they don’t exist! All those times he was over on our street and up at the pool, it was just because of ME!!!!! He was coming over to see me, but he didn’t have the nerve to say so because he thought I would tell him to jump in the lake or something.

  Can you imagine that?

  Well, I love Alex Cheevey. I really do.

  Good night.

  Friday, July 13

  Egad, Friday the thirteenth. Well, it wasn’t unlucky for me, at least. In fact, it was a pretty lucky day for everybody I know except Beth Ann. But I’ll explain that in a minute.

  Carl Ray came home in his car today. I have to admit, it’s a pretty cute thing. A little black Ford with red (red!!! Carl Ray???) seats. He’s so proud of it, he almost died from grinning so much. He made us all come outside and look at it and sit in it, and after dinner he actually took me, Dennis, and Dougie for a ride in it to the Tast-ee Freeze (and he even bought us ice cream), and then when we got home, he spent about two hours polishing it, even though it was as clean as can be. Boy, is he happy.

  Except for the ice cream, he still hasn’t bought anyone anything, but the Sears catalogue is about to fall apart from so many people looking through it.

  Now, Alex. He didn’t have to be at work until four o’clock today, so we went to the pool early and then, on the way home, just as we were turning the corner of my street, who should we bump into but Beth Ann. Boy, was she surprised to see Alex Cheevey, the Truly Wonderful and Divine, holding my hand!

  She stood there with her mouth gaping open. You could see all her fillings. Boy, did she look terrible. Her eyes were all puffy and red an
d she looked like a complete wreck. She said, “I need to talk to you, Mary Lou,” and she kept looking at me and then Alex and then me and then Alex, as if her head was on a bouncy spring and she couldn’t control it. You know those dogs people put on the back ledges of their cars? Like that.

  Alex said he had to go, so off he went. (Sigh.)

  I was pretty surprised that Beth Ann wanted to talk to me. I seemed to recall that the last time I saw her, she told me that I made her sick and we weren’t best friends anymore. But she seems to have forgotten that.

  Well! To make a very, very, very, very long story short, she and Derek broke up. Apparently, Derek has been messing around with someone else, and the way Beth Ann found out about it was that she went to the store with her sister Judy, and when they came out to the parking lot they saw Derek-the-Di-viiiiine walking with some girl and he had his arm around her!

  And do you know what Beth Ann did? She went right up to ole Derek and this girl and asked him what he was doing and he looked at her like she was a stranger. He called her today and said that maybe they should both see other people for a while.

  God.

  It’s funny, but if this had happened a week ago, I probably would have been happy in a very mean way. But now I feel sorry for Beth Ann, even if she has been acting like a real snot. I mean she was really upset, sobbing and all. I was afraid she was going to go completely hysterical.

  The only thing was she didn’t even ask me about Alex, and I have to admit that even though I wasn’t ready to tell her any details or anything, I did sort of want to brag about him a little. But I could tell she didn’t exactly want to hear how happy I was and how wonderful Alex was when she was suffering this enormous tragedy.

  I read Books Seven and Eight of the Odyssey but I can’t remember any of it. I haven’t been able to concentrate too well lately. I keep thinking about Alex right in the middle of reading.

  Saturday, July 14

  Well, this evening was almost a complete disaster.