Absolutely Normal Chaos Read online

  I was reading this in the living room after dinner while Carl Ray was watching TV, and I got so frustrated, I just threw the book down and said, “Telemachus! Who the heck is Telemachus?”

  And do you know what Carl Ray did? He said, without even looking away from the TV, “The son of Odysseus.”

  You could have knocked me over with a feather. “And how do you know that?” I asked.

  “Simple,” he said, and he kept right on watching The Dating Game.

  I didn’t even think Carl Ray knew how to read.

  Friday, June 29

  I will never forget tonight as long as I live (and hey, Zeus, I would like that to be quite a bit longer, please).

  We viewed Mr. Furtz tonight.

  I don’t know where to start. I never expected anything like this. First of all, DiMaggio’s Funeral Home is really like a home inside. I guess I thought it would be like a hospital with green walls and tile floors and people in white coats. But it was like a house, with a living room where people were standing around talking. There were lamps and tables and couches and all that. When I saw the living room, I thought for a minute that they were going to have Mr. Furtz propped up in a chair with a newspaper in his lap. Dentist-office music was playing in the background.

  Oh, I forgot to mention that, surprise, surprise, guess who came along with us. Carl Ray! None of us could I believe it when we were walking down the street (like I said, the funeral home is only two blocks away) and all of a sudden Dougie said, “Hey, there’s Carl Ray!” We all turned around, and sure enough, Carl Ray was following right behind us.

  “Now that’s one strange boy,” my father whispered to my mother.

  Anyway, Dennis started pulling on my arm at the funeral home, and Carl Ray said, “Come on.” I don’t know why I was so surprised to see Carl Ray lead the way, but we followed him. We went through some curtains and there it was.

  The coffin. It was sitting up on a table and it was open! Dennis said, “Whooaa.” Carl Ray stepped right up and pulled Dennis beside him. Dennis dragged me.

  I couldn’t breathe. There was Mr. Furtz, lying on this white silky pillow with his hands folded over his chest. He was wearing a brown suit and a white dress shirt and tie. And he had this fancy quilt over him, covering his legs. It seemed strange to see a man in a suit lying in this box that was trying to look like a bed.

  He really did look like he was sleeping, and he looked pretty much like Mr. Furtz except he wasn’t smiling as he usually did, and his face looked like it had powder on it. I kept thinking he was going to open his eyes and be real mad that we were all staring at him.

  I never saw so many flowers all in one room before. There were flowers in the coffin (“To Charles Randolph Furtz, With love from your children”), baskets of gladiolas all along a shelf behind the coffin, and then about a hundred other baskets of flowers around the room.

  I started looking at these baskets, because each one had a card on it telling who it was from. The cards said things like “In loving memory” and “Rest in peace” and “To our Beloved.” They were all pretty depressing. It was as if people were cramming in all these last-minute messages in case Mr. Furtz could still hear. The funny thing was he looked as if he could hear. I kept looking at the cards, wishing at least one of them would say the truth: “Oh how awful!” or “I wish you weren’t dead” or “This is the absolute worst thing in the world.” But none of them did.

  When I turned around to show Dennis, Carl Ray was staring down into the coffin and rubbing his finger over this brass marker on the side of the coffin. The marker had Mr. Furtz’s initials on it: CRF. But then I saw Carl Ray reach out with one hand and touch Mr. Furtz on the arm! “Carl Ray!” I said.

  He jumped back. And then you know what? Carl Ray was crying! I have to admit that I felt like crying as soon as I saw Mr. Furtz, but Carl Ray hardly knows him. For a minute there, I actually liked Carl Ray because he could cry over Mr. Furtz like that.

  I saw my mom standing by Dad, and they were both crying. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad cry, and that made me so sad.

  They told us kids to go on home, because they were going to stay awhile, so we started back up the street. I was surprised to see that Carl Ray was holding Tommy’s hand.

  “Did you see the body?” Dougie asked Tommy.

  Tommy nodded. His eyes were wide open—you could tell he didn’t like what he saw. Then Tommy turned to Carl Ray and said, “So where’s he going now?”

  “They’ll bury him,” Carl Ray said.

  “Where?”

  “In the cemetery, in the ground.”

  “Does he stay in the box?”

  “Yup.”

  “What about heaven?”

  Carl Ray looked up at the sky and back at Tommy. “What about it?”

  “When does he go there?”

  “Well,” Carl Ray said, “soon, I guess.”

  Tommy was staring at Carl Ray’s face real hard. “So how is he gonna get out of the ground?”

  Carl Ray didn’t even bat an eye. “God will come and get his soul.”

  Tommy nodded.

  All of a sudden, I saw this image of Zeus swooping down with this shovel and digging down into the earth and pulling open the coffin and taking Mr. Furtz by the hand and flying off with him up into the clouds, sort of like Superman. Imagine.

  But now that I am home and it’s dark outside and time to go to bed, I just don’t like the idea of Mr. Furtz being in that box when they close the lid, and of him being down there in the ground while Mrs. Furtz and Cathy and Barry and David go on living in that house.

  And I keep wondering what Mr. Furtz feels like. I know, I know, he can’t feel anything if he’s dead, but he must know it’s dark or that he can’t breathe or that everyone is crying and feeling so miserable that he’s gone. Can he dream? Is he just waiting for someone to come and take his soul?

  Saturday, June 30

  Mr. Furtz was buried today. Only Mom and Dad went. They decided that none of us kids could go because we all had nightmares last night (all except Carl Ray, who if he did have one didn’t admit it, and Maggie, who didn’t go to the funeral home).

  In my dream (or nightmare) I was walking through these woods. It was snowing and very cold and I was lost. I kept looking for my parents, calling, “Mom! Dad!” There were no tracks anywhere and it was pretty dark. I thought I saw Carl Ray behind a tree, and I called his name and ran up to the tree, but when I got there he was gone. I was screaming, “Carl Ray! Save me! Save me!” And then I sat up straight in bed and there was Maggie staring at me, saying, “Hey! Wake up!”

  Dennis said he dreamed that someone locked him in the garage and people kept staring in the window but he couldn’t hear what they were saying and they wouldn’t let him out.

  Dougie said he was picking flowers in this huge field of flowers when all of a sudden a big black bird came down out of the sky and started pecking at his head.

  And Tommy said the “boogerman” was after him, so he climbed in bed with Mom and Dad, and then he wet the bed, which really made Dad mad.

  Nobody felt like doing anything today while Mom and Dad were gone. When Tommy said he was hungry for lunch, I realized that Dad wouldn’t be going to Alesci’s today, so I started rummaging through the cupboards for something to fix. And then, what do you know? In walks Carl Ray (up before noon on Saturday for the first time since he arrived) with a big Alesci’s bag. He had walked all the way there (about a mile) and back. He had just what we needed: hot bread and ham. It made me feel a little bad about the deodorant and the soap I left on his dresser.

  Oh, I forgot to mention yesterday that Beth Ann didn’t come over. She had to go get her hair cut (all day?). But she did come over this afternoon for about an hour. She seemed real curious about Carl Ray. She kept asking what he was like and where he worked and what I thought of him and which room was his and didn’t we mind him staying there and how long was he staying and on and on. She sure can talk.

 
; It was funny, but even though Carl Ray has not been the most thrilling guest and he has sure driven me crazy, I didn’t tell Beth Ann any of that. In fact I made him sound almost exotic. Carl Ray! And when she asked if we minded him staying there, I said, “Beth Ann! What a thing to say. Of course we don’t mind—where else would he stay?” even though we all mind a whole lot, especially me.

  Finally, I had to ask Beth Ann about Derek. “So how’s Derek?” I asked.

  She looked down at her fingernails before answering. “Ohhh, he’s just fiiiiine.”

  “So what does he look like?”

  “Oh, he’s just gorgeous!”

  “I know, but what does he look like?”

  “Well, he has these cute blue eyes and these longgggg eyelashes and this adorrrrr-able smile.”

  “Ah. I can just picture him.” Actually, I couldn’t at all. Her description wasn’t exactly precise. “Is he gawky?”

  “Gawky? Gawky! No!”

  “Does he talk?”

  “Of course he does, Mary Lou. You make it sound like you think he’s some sort of jerk or something.” She has a way of pulling down her mouth on the sides like a little kid who’s letting you know you’ve hurt her feelings.

  I really wanted to know what they did at these movies. I mean, did they just sit there or did they talk or hold hands or what? But I figured that was the kind of thing she would tell me without my having to ask. She didn’t, though. She seems like she’s bragging more when she doesn’t tell me what happened than if she did tell me all the details.

  I’m still plodding along in the Odyssey. I’ll switch pens.

  Magic Sandals

  I think I like the goddess Athene (in English class we always said Athena, but it’s spelled Athene here) the best so far. She has these flashy magical sandals that enable her to fly, and she also has a spear, and she can disguise herself as a man or woman. At the end of the first “book” (a book is more like a chapter), she just flies away. Now, wouldn’t you love to do that?

  The second book was all about Odysseus’s wife, Penelope, and his son, Telemachus, and all the suitors (the guys after Penelope) hanging around. Some of them talk on and on and on, sort of like Beth Ann.

  Anyway, Telemachus decides to go off in search of his father (Odysseus), who everyone thinks is dead (he’s been gone ten or twenty years, I think) and Athene swoops down and disguises herself and gives Telemachus lots of help, telling him what to do and putting the suitors into a deep sleep and finding a ship and crew for him and then even giving him a good wind. Geez. Wouldn’t you like to have your own personal Athene? Someone to solve all your problems?

  Sunday, July 1

  How can it be July already???

  Tell me, O Muse, of something to write. Inspire me.

  I’m waiting, O Muse.

  I think my Muse is attending some other people at the moment.

  So. Today is Sunday and everyone is still moping around about Mr. Furtz. There’s a big wreath hanging on the Furtzes’ door, sort of like a Christmas wreath only not so cheery. It sure looks strange to see it hanging there in the middle of summer. The Furtzes’ curtains were drawn closed the whole day and cars kept going in and out of the driveway.

  All day it rained. Dougie said it was God crying about Mr. Furtz, but I told him that if that was true and if God cried every time someone died, it would rain every single day. But it’s a nice thought, about God crying, I mean. I keep thinking about Mr. Furtz lying there in that box and that lid closing on him.

  I don’t think my parents are taking their vitamins. It scares me half to death

  Snoring Through the Odyssey

  I read Book Three of the Odyssey today. Snore, snore, snore. Telemachus is still off trying to find out what happened to his father (he thinks he’s dead).

  There were a couple of interesting things in this section, though. First, Athene says something about death. When a man’s time comes (to die), she says, no one can help him, not even a god. It made it sound like there’s a set time, all prearranged or something. Spooky. Why was Mr. Furtz’s time so early? The other interesting thing was that Athene changes into an eagle and flies away. Imagine everyone’s surprise. What an exit!

  One other thing I like in this book is the way Homer describes the sun coming up. He doesn’t just say, “The sun came up.” He says “rosy-fingered Dawn appeared,” and he also calls Dawn the “child of morning.” It makes you think of this little baby with pink fingers crawling up over the horizon.

  I rummaged around in the attic today. Found my father’s ice skates, which must be about three thousand years old, and his high-school yearbook (what a scream) and lots of old pictures. There was one of Dad, Uncle Carl Joe, and Aunt Radene. They all looked so young and happy. In this picture, Aunt Radene is standing to one side of Dad and Uncle Carl Joe, leaning against a tree, and it looks as if she is dreaming about something wonderful, because she has this little smile on her face and she isn’t looking right at the camera. She is wearing a halter top and very short shorts and high heels. Her hair is long and curly. Carl Ray sure did not get his looks from his mother.

  When I made up Carl Ray’s stupid bed and cleaned his stupid room today, I left a note that said, “Maid service ends TODAY at 11.00 A.M.” The two weeks are up! Carl Ray has to make his own stupid bed from now on.

  Called Beth Ann but she was out with Derek-the-Di-viiiiine.

  What a day, eh?

  Monday, July 2

  My Muse has utterly abandoned me.

  Tuesday, July 3

  Well, Maggie suckered me into watching Tommy today even though I thought it was her turn. But in a way it was a good thing, because I took Tommy to the pool and guess who showed up—Alex Cheevey!

  He actually swam around and stuff. Even though I had to stay with Tommy in the shallow end, Alex came and played with Tommy awhile. Alex was in a pretty good mood. He sat with us during break time and let Tommy jump on his stomach. He also talked a little, although it was tough going at times. For instance, it went something like this:

  ME: So are you visiting the Murphys again?

  ALEX: (Laughing a little.) Huh. Huh. Yep.

  ME: What, don’t they have any kids or anything?

  ALEX: Who?

  ME: The Murphys.

  ALEX: Oh. Nope.

  ME: So you got bored and came to the pool?

  ALEX: Me? Oh. Yup.

  ME: Do you like the Murphys?

  ALEX: Me? Oh. Yup.

  (A little later.)

  ME: Hey, I heard you were at Bill Ferguson’s party last week.

  ALEX: Yup.

  ME: Do you know him? (Stupid question!)

  ALEX: Yup. Lives next door.

  ME: How was it?

  ALEX: What?

  ME: The party!

  ALEX: Oh. Okay. I saw your sister there. (That’s a lot of words for Alex.)

  ME: Yeah, I know. Was it fun?

  ALEX: The party?

  ME: Yes, the party.

  ALEX: Sort of. Why didn’t you go? (He actually asked a question.)

  ME: I wasn’t invited.

  ALEX: Oh.

  (A little later.)

  ME: Our neighbor died.

  ALEX: Really?

  ME: Yeah.

  ALEX: Was he sick?

  ME: No, not exactly.

  ALEX: Well, how did he die?

  ME: Well, I guess he was sick only no one knew it. He went in the hospital for some tests and died of some gigantic heart attack or something.

  ALEX: Ugh.

  ME: Yeah, I know.

  ALEX: He didn’t think he was sick?

  ME: No. I don’t think so. At least not until they told him he had to go in for some tests. His time was up. I hate that.

  ALEX: Ugh.

  ME: Yeah.

  ALEX: Yup.

  ME: I wonder if he knew he was going to die.

  ALEX: Maybe.

  ME: Like maybe he had this feeling…

  ALEX: Maybe.

 
ME: You ought to at least have a feeling…

  ALEX: Yup.

  ME: Wouldn’t you like to have a little advance notice if you were going to kick off?

  ALEX: Yup. I would.

  ME: Me, too.

  And that’s all we talked about because he had to leave, but he said he was coming back again on Thursday probably. I might go swimming on Thursday.

  Carl Ray still has a job, even though Mr. Furtz is dead. Mr. Furtz’s brother (whose name is also Furtz, of course) is going to take over the store at least for a while. I found that out when I went to the hardware store today. I didn’t really need to buy something, but I was downtown with Tommy after swimming and I just wanted to see if it was possible that Carl Ray could really do anything useful.

  When we went in, there was Carl Ray dusting off some turpentine cans. He looked real embarrassed to see us at first, but Tommy took hold of Carl Ray’s hand and was so excited to see him that Carl Ray eventually smiled a little and started acting like he owned the store, showing us all around. I’ve been to that store a million times, so I’d seen it all before, but I pretended like I hadn’t. Then the new Mr. Furtz came up and introduced himself (“Gene Furtz here”) and said he was taking over the store at least temporarily, until “things settle down.”

  Then he said, “Don’t you worry, we’ll keep young Carl Ray on here.” (I wasn’t worried.) Carl Ray smiled and looked down at his shoes. What a presence.

  Stopped at Beth Ann’s on the way home, but she was gone.

  Anointing Telemachus

  Read Book Four of the Odyssey. Now Telemachus is at Menelaus’s house, where everybody is feasting and “making merry.” It really kills me how everyone treats Telemachus wherever he goes. He’s a total stranger and yet Menelaus orders his servants to take care of Telemachus’s horses and feed them. And then, this really gets me, Menelaus’s maid-servants wash Telemachus and his men and “anoint” them with oil! I mean really. Then they feed them, etc. All of this before they even find out who Telemachus is.

  It all reminded me of my mother and how she’s always going on about ole Carl Ray being a guest in our house. Well, I sure feel like his maidservant, but I’ll tell you one thing: I wouldn’t wash and anoint him for all the money in the world.